


My Delirium

by londonandtea



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:42:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28174857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/londonandtea/pseuds/londonandtea
Summary: Bella finds every possible way to make herself less attractive to the outside world after being assaulted. When Edward comes back, she wants nothing to do with him. She wants nothing to do with anyone. in a downward depression, will the Cullens be able to save Bella from destroying herself to forget about her trauma? Rated M for references of rape, mature language, and references to drugs
Relationships: Edward Cullen/Bella Swan
Comments: 3
Kudos: 14





	1. Chapter 1

My feet hit the pavement hard, my body tired. Picking up running was difficult for my clumsy self, daily training became part of my ritual. No matter how hard on my body, everyday I had to run.

To train.

To forget.

I picked up the pace, jumping over obstacles in my way.

If only Edward could see me now.

I could see the cliff nearby now. I pushed myself somehow harder, running toward the cliff. I could make it, I knew I could.

Closer, the edge menacing. Would I see him today, or would I jump?

"Stop." His voice popped into my head almost too late, my fast pace staggering me forward, falling to a halt on my knees to avoid falling. I scraped them, something I was getting more used to.

The water below crashed upon the rocks. Water falling above me starts to pool beneath me, creating a pool of blood from my knees. I screamed, one of many. No one ever heard. Or, no one really cared.

\-------

"Bella." Charlie knocked lightly on the door. I sat by the window, my knees bandaged up for the third time this month. He glanced over at them. "You need to cool it with the extreme sports."

"I'm clumsy, even when I try to be active." I shrugged. He sighed, leaning at the door. I closed my book, bracing myself for another lecture.

"Honey, I'm glad you're pursing other activities since Edward left, but don't you think you're going too far?"

"I'm eighteen, I'm just a late bloomer in the whole rebellion stage. Give me a break. Would you rather me have cut my hair short and take up running or starting doing drugs?"

"Okay, I'm sorry." He put his hands up defensively. "I just wanted to check in."

"Thanks." I said, standing up to take a shower. It marked the end of our conversation. My shower was quick, and cold. I couldn't do anything for too long, aside from running. When I was running I could focus on the pain on my body, my quickened breath. Other mundane activities, like showering, allowed for too many thoughts to enter my brain.

I shut off the water, my body shivering. I didn't linger long in the bathroom, shooting quickly into my room.

I allowed myself a quick glance in the mirror. It had been about four months since Edward left. Four months since…

My body had changed significantly in those four months. My body no longer held much softness, legs hard from running, arms thin but muscular. I hid my torso, my only insecurity from the world with baggy shirts, letting my angular jaw and short hair speak for my new found fitness. Hard, a tough exterior.

My haircut really didn't suit me. I knew that.

And that's why I liked it best.

My body was exhausted, each day as I pushed it further. I fell into bed easily, slipping in my headphones and playing a podcast as background noise. It helped me fall asleep, I couldn't be in silence. Silence brought too much darkness during sleep.

"Bella! Bella, wake up!" Charlie shook my violently as I almost fell off the bed waking up in a fury. I was drenched in sweat, crying and my throat in pain from screaming, no doubt. I tried to calm myself down, my hands shaking wildly as I ran them through my drenched hair.

"Thank you for waking me. I'll be fine." I just wanted Charlie out. He frowned.

"Honey, if you need to talk-"

"Bad dream, sorry. I'm fine." Charlie lingered for a moments longer than I wanted him too, bothering me with his presence. But I knew I couldn't say anything. Everything was fine, I was fine, but a bad dream.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

As Charlie stepped out of my room, I fell into a puddle of tears. I hid my sobbing in my pillow, my mind swimming with thoughts I didn't want.

Thoughts of Zachary. On top of me, entering me, violating me.

All I wanted was to scream, but for some reason, I couldn't.


	2. Chapter 2

I awoke before the world. Sun greeting me, I opened my windows wide. The cool air signaled fall was pressing upon Forks. The cloud cover was becoming somehow more constant, menacing today with rain.

I had a few hours until school, I decided a run would be my best bet to awaken my body from my horrible nights sleep. In the bathroom, no matter how much cold water I splashed on my face there was no remedy. My eyes puffy, hair disheveled from a growing out pixie. I ran my wet fingers through my hair.

It reminded me too much of Alice.

An angry ache appeared in my chest. I changed into a sports bra and shorts, running downstairs then quickly out the door. My music was loud, hurting my ears. But I needed it.

I knew what I looked like running. Disproportionate, my diet intentionally keeping me alive and healthy, thin but building muscle. I had lost whatever breasts I had, my legs thickening with each step I took throughout the trail behind my house.

Body in a trail of healing bruises.

The run to the cliffs was unfortunately taking less time than before, my stamina increasing. I tried to distract myself from today. This summer without the Cullens introduced me to Zachary.

His name sent venom down my spine.

Fuck the Cullens for leaving me. Finding any excuse to distract myself, I stupidly agreed to go to a party with Jessica. In the midst of sweaty teens and a faint smell of cheap beer, I found Zachary.

He was as different from any Cullen as I could imagine. He had long, blonde hair. Slightly greasy a top of his long angular face, with some blemishes. He was cute, and imperfect.

I picked up my pace, the clearing in my field of vision.

At first, Zachary was the sweetest. But he picked up on my weakness. He knew I was hurt and used that to his advantage.

A knot built up in my throat, tears rushing through my eyes as I ran. I took a deep breath. I couldn't cry.

I had already cried enough. Over the Cullens, over the man Zachary became trying to control me.

To love me, as he called it.

The cliff was close. Only a few more minutes.

I hoped I didn't hear Edward's voice.

Thankfully Zachary had gotten sick of me, and dumped me. It was the best day of my life. But my bruises still remained, and I didn't want to see him at school. Or anywhere.

No!

The voice rang in my ears over my loud music. My feet halted hard, only steps away.

So close.

I ripped out my earplugs, throwing my phone on the floor to intently listen to my surroundings.

That wasn't him.

"No, no, no, no!" My whispered turned into yelling, the waves below too calm to mask my pain. But I didn't care. I yelled until I thought my throat would burst and bleed out, and then some more. I kept my eyes closed.

She isn't back.

Alice isn't back.

None of them are back, none of them cared about me.

I could feel hot tears rushing down my face. I picked up my phone and blasted my music louder, more painful. I kept my eyes down, reaching a sprint that exceeded all of my energy to get back home.

\-------

My old truck roared in the buzzing parking lot, an experience which no longer fazed me. I couldn't care less what people thought of me. I parked next to Jessica and Angela, who were chatting with Mike, Tyler, and…

His arm was wrapped around Lauren Mallory, a girl I never really liked. She looked happy, and it reached her eyes.

Just because I didn't like her doesn't mean I wanted her to go through the same experience I did.

"Hey guys." I hopped out of my car, standing half behind Angela after she gave me a hug.

"Bella! Excited for Senior year?" Mike said, giving me a once over. No matter how ugly I tried to present myself to the world, that boy would always have a crush on me.

"Excited for it to end, honestly." I responded. They all agreed in unison.

"Is that really your first day outfit?" Lauren asked.

"It's fine, casual right? No one wants to try too hard on the first day." Jessica said, someone untruthfully. A fine line between being my friend and Lauren's.

"She looks fine, Lauren." He said. His voice made me want to crawl into a hole and suffocate myself.

"I don't really care much for fashion. Whatever works." I shrugged. In reality, I was glad she had mentioned something. Lauren, however vain she was, confirmed my outfit as being plain or ugly. Exactly what I wanted.

"Woah…" Angela said behind me. I looked over at her, and followed her gaze at the end of the parking lot.

My heart dropped.

"So what, they had a summer vacay in LA and now they're back? Ugh, I wish I had that type of money." Jessica said, flipping her hair back. "You guys aren't together though, right?"

Alice and Edward both got out of the sleek, black Mercedes. I didn't know where to look, both their eyes locked on mine.

But eventually, I found his. Warm honey, almond shaped perched upon his perfect face.

Rage burned through me.

"No, thankfully." I broke eye contact, rolling my eyes.

"Oh." I could already feel Jessica weighing the options of breaking friend rule #1: don't date their ex's.

The first bell broke up our group, everyone heading to their first class. "See you at lunch!" Mike yelled back to everyone, making eye contact with me.

"I'm pretty sure I saw Mike do a blackflip at the corner of my eye when he found out you were single again." Angela said walking beside me. We had three classes together this year, which would make this journey a whole lot easier.

"I'm pretty set on being single right now." I kept my head straight on, tall, as we walked beside Alice and Edward. I could feel a chill rising through my chest.

"Hey, I know it's been a couple of months, but if you need someone to talk too…" I had forgotten. Zachary kept our relationship a secret, my outward depression everyone assuming was all for Edward.

"I'm fine." I smiled at her. She rubbed my arm, walking into first period English. We took our seats in the front corner, a calculated move I made to avoid anyone sitting next to me because as I predicted, Edward walked in a few seconds before the bell rang. He sat at the opposite end, his face looking sullen. I didn't allow myself to study him for long. I didn't want too, even though I could feel his eyes on me.

"Well, in that case, Jessica was talking about a party Zachary is throwing at his house on Friday to start the year off. Do you want to come?" His name brought my attention back to Angela.

"I'll think about it." I lied. I kept my head down, sadness burning at the back of my throat. However, I was glad he looked sullen. I hoped he was so fucking sad he'd kill himself.


	3. Chapter 3

The end of the school day came quickly, much to my pleasure. I told Angela before lunch that I wasn't feeling well, and sat in the bathroom to eat my sandwich. I was thankful no one came to bother me. However, I couldn't be sick everyday. I'd have to face my fears soon. A cafeteria with Edward, Alice, and Zachary.

I was able to leave the parking lot with ease, my shoulders up to my ears in stress. Once on the highway and sure no one was following me, I was able to be at ease.

Sort of.

"Fuckers." I said loudly to myself. I was so annoyed, so angry! How dare they just come back and decide to live a normal life?

It just further proved how awful they were, and how much they didn't care about me.

Charlie's police vehicle was outside our home when I arrived. I hoped he hadn't heard they were back, but in a town this small he probably knew before I did.

"Hey Bells." His voice was wary, and I knew interrogation was to come.

"Hi Dad." I responded, looking in the fridge for something to eat. Or pretending to, rather. My appetite was completely gone.

"How was school?" Charlie cleared his throat.

"Fine. Yes, I did see the Cullens. Edward and Alice are finishing their senior year. I don't know why they decided to come back, nor do I care." Word vomit came out of me in one fell swoop. He stared at me, mouth pursed. "How was work?"

"Good. Nothing too exciting, on call but I got to go home early." He focused back on his cup of coffee.

"Do you have any idea what you'd want for dinner?" I changed the subject.

"I'll just order a pizza. You're probably swamped with homework." With that, he got up and kissed me lightly on the head. It took all my energy to not recoil from his touch. I went upstairs, throwing my bag on the floor and sitting beside my window.

I just wanted all of this to end.

\-----

Tick

Tick

Tick

My neck ached from falling asleep awkwardly perched on the large windowsill.

Tick

I noticed the sound came as a small rock hit my window. The sun had just set, a deep blue glow illuminating the outside.

In the bushes, I saw Edward.

I stared at him, torn. A part of me wanted to lower the blinds, ignore him until he left or I died. Another part of me wanted to punch the living shit out of him and tell him off, although I knew he wouldn't feel anything.

He stepped briefly out of the bushes, and beckoned me down like his little puppet. However, I decided tonight I would let my rage win.

I slipped on a thick hoodie, going downstairs. On the kitchen table, a pizza with two missing slices.

"Hey Dad, I'm gonna go for a walk."

"Okay." He mumbled, glued to the television. My stomach grumbling, I nearly swallowed a slice whole before heading outside.

Edward met me at the door.

"Hi." He said plainly. I narrowed my eyes at him. Four months, and all he has to say is hi?

"What do you want?" I started walking towards the woods, not wanting to chance neighbors hearing my guaranteed angry yelling.

He didn't respond, following me deep into the forest. We kept walking, my thought filling me with anxiety as a remembrance of the last time I was in the forest with him.

When he left me.

"Bella." He whispered, a longing in his voice.

"No! Fuck you, you don't get to put my down and then pick me back up whenever it fits you best." I yelled back. I could feel tears running down my face, unmasking my anger as sadness.

"It was for you, it was all for you! I was so scared of something happening to you but Bella-"

"Well guess what, here or gone you still weren't able to protect me." The words slipped out of my mouth, Zarachy in mind with months of suppressed rage. He looked up at me, pain in his eyes. "What do you want? Why did you come back?"

"Please talk to me. What happened while I was gone? Bella, I saw you running this morning..." He reached for my hand, but I pulled away.

"Next time you see me running, tell Alice to keep her mouth shut and let me-"

"What, let you jump? Was that your plan? No, I will do everything in my power to keep you alive. Even if you decide you will never love me again, I will always love you. It's not something I can change." He kept his voice low not wanting to match my screaming. My whole body shook as my legs were too weak. I fell to my knees, a pain shooting through my leg from months of injury.

I screamed into the ground, soft dirt cushioning my head.

I felt his hand on my back, and recoiled.

"No, stop. Please don't touch me. Don't…" I sobbed harder, realizing how much of a freak I was. I couldn't be touched. I wanted to be ugly, repulsive, and for no one to touch me.

Yes, my plan was to jump.

"I'm sorry." Edward said, his hands curling up on his chest. I leaned against a tree for support getting up, feeling the cool rain wash across my face. I smiled sickly, shaking my head.

"I'm fucked up. Trust me, you don't want me anymore." I started to trek home, knowing these forests all too well.

"I do. I always will." He said, following me. "Let me take you home, I don't want you to fall."

"A lot has changed since you left. I'm no longer some pathetic little girl you have to protect. Don't-" I said harshly, "follow me."

"I came back because of Alice's visions." I stopped in my tracks. "I thought leaving would keep you safe. One day, there was confusion, uncertainty. Would you jump? I kept seeing that vision flash back and forth in my head. I couldn't live-"

"What, the guilt would eat you alive? You should have thought about that before you left me." My voice was barely thin air, but I knew he could hear.

"I couldn't live without you. Like I said, hate me forever. But I'll do all I can to keep you safe." I wanted to turn to him. Somewhere, deep inside, I truly wanted him to hold me. A sick spark I wanted to drain out. I needed him to comfort me, and have him apologize and tell me he loved me everyday, every moment. I wanted to tell him everything, I wanted him to rip Zachary apart limb by limb and feed him to dogs.

"Like I said, don't follow me."


	4. Chapter 4

"Bella! Bella, wake up!" Charlie sounded anxious as he shook me awake. His fingers felt deep in my arm. I jerked my arm away, curling away from him.

Another bad dream.

"Sorry." I said. I threw the covers off my body, covered in sweat.

"It's okay. Can I get you anything?" He offered. I shook my head.

"I'll just try and go back to sleep." With that, Charlie left the room. I looked at my phone to check the time, the sky outside a pale blue.

My heart stopped.

Zachary had sent me a text around midnight. I could barely unlock my phone, hands shaking.

You looked great today. X, Zach

I threw my phone across the room. I hoped it would break. I jumped out of bed, sunrise only about twenty minutes away giving me enough time to go for a long run. I threw on my running clothes, adding extra layers for the incoming cold weather. Grabbing my iPod, I closed the door very lightly behind me. Down the hall, Charlie had already begun snoring. I tread carefully not to wake him up.

The outside air was refreshing. The coolness reached my bones, almost cleansing. The music started playing loudly in my ears, and I began running. Because it was still slightly dark, I ran beside the road and decided to catch the trail about three miles up to end up at the cliff edge.

My stomach turned.

I knew how much it had upset Charlie when I threw a fit last year, but perhaps I could do the same. Move to Florida with my mom and Phil. Edward flashing in my mind. Fuck my brain.

I hated that I was still in love with him.

Would he try to stop me if I decided to jump? Would Alice? Would any of them?

I knew I couldn't jump. I didn't want to die that much. I just wanted to wake up one day and all of this be a dream. Wake up in Edward's arms, his sweet smell tickling my nose. Never feeling my heart being torn out my chest when he left, or feeling like my heart would literally stop when Zachary once punched me too hard right in center of my torso.

I turned toward the trail, light dimly seeping through the trees.I had a strange sense of someone looking at me. I didn't know if I was right or wrong.

Could I even stomach Edward touching me? Anyone touching me ever again? I flinched constantly, stomach revolted even when my own father touched me. Charlie! It made me sick to be this mentally sick.

Edward also had no right to waltz in and expect I would fall into his arms. That fucker broke my heart! And I was done being submissive to any man, if by any miracle I would ever date again.

Zachary's text flashed in my mind.

I could see the clearing to the cliff now, my heart pounding fast. I picked up the pace. It was exciting, invigorating. Only once did I think I ran too far, and I would have died. The adrenaline rush was wild.

"No!" Someone yelled, Suddenly, Alice, Edward, and Esme appeared in front of me, blocking my view from the cliff. I halted, only steps away from making impact with Esme's body, which I was sure would hurt more than accidentally falling over.

I ripped out my earbuds. "Bella, what are you doing?!" Alice asked wildly. Edward had a hard, strained face. He looked like he was in pain.

"Bella, I… I know what you're going through." Esme tried to sympathize, her hand reaching out to touch me, but I recoiled. I took a couple of circling steps back, closing my eyes and running my fingers through damp hair.

I just wanted to scream, so I did. Bent over, I screamed loudly at them, the sky, everything. My throat felt like it could burst. It was an ugly scream, the kind people probably make before they're going to be killed. For as long as I could, I screamed at them, eyes closed. I wasn't screaming solely at them. I could see Zachary's face, his stupid half smile he probably had sending me that text.

Then I stopped. I took a deep breath, leaning on my knees and opening my eyes. The sun now cast three shadows in front of me, but I didn't want to look at them. I put my earbuds back in, turned and ran back home.

\----

"Wow... That's a look." Jessica said when I got out of my car. After I had taken a shower, I decided I wanted to cut my hair even shorter. It lay flat, near my jaw. It was choppy, ugly, and it was destined to be.

Zachary hated girls with short hair.

"I wanted to try something new." I said, my voice hoarse. My long, dark grey top lay just above my mid thigh, hiding my figure. A bulky denim jacket felt heavy on my shoulders. "Let's go inside, I'm freezing."

"I think it looks nice." Bless Angela.

I unfortunately had a locker three numbers away from Lauren, so when I saw her with Zachary leaning over her like she was something to eat, I wanted to vomit on the floor.

"Alright Bella, we have to chat about that group presentation we have in Art so don't skip out on lunch today." Jessica waved goodbye.

"God, she's so annoying." Lauren said beside Bella. Zachary whispered something in her ear and she giggled. They kissed, and as much as I hated Lauren I wish I could grab her hand run with her, away from him.

The first bell rang, and no sight of any Cullen yet. Did they think I was crazy? If they did, they weren't wrong.

"Hey." Lauren suddenly appeared next to me. I pretended to fuss around inside my locker.

"Hi." I responded.

"So, this is kind of awkward for me to talk about…" She put her hands on her hips, chest extended forward. "But you need to stop trying to hit on Zachary."

I spit out a laugh. "What?"

"You heard me. Back off." I closed my locker. I didn't have to deal with this shit.

"Shut up, Lauren. Nobody wants your piece of shit boyfriend, especially me." I turned to walk away.

"Excuse me!" Her hand grabbed my shoulder hard, grabbing my hair along the way. It wasn't as hard as Zachary ever did but hard enough. I threw her hand away, turning before I punched her in the face.

She fell backward, my body leaning over her. I grabbed her elbows, shaking her.

"Don't you ever lay a fucking hand on me again you stupid-"

"Bella!" Someone shrieked. Lauren yelled, fighting back, so I fought back harder. I could feel a circle of students around us.

Lauren tried to pull at her my hair again as I went in to punch her before two stone cold hands grabbed my arms and pulled me up.

"Let me go!" I yelled wildly. Half the crowd was staring at me, the other huddled around Lauren trying to pick her up.

"Relax." His sweet voice was music to my ears. But I didn't want to hear the music, not them.

"Let me go." I said firmly. Down the hall, Edward let me go. Alice stood beside him in shock. The adrenaline was wearing off.

What the fuck have I done?

I yelled, kicking a locker, which was a bad idea as the metal hit my foot hard. I sat on the floor, eyes closed.

"It'll be okay. If they call me in, I'll say she attacked you first." He said. I opened my eyes and looked at him.

"She did."

"I know." Edward said. "It's hard not to study you, Bella. I saw the whole thing, okay?" His eyes were a light topaz, comforting for her.

"Isabella Swan!" The principal walked with Lauren on one side. I quickly got up holding my breath. It was the best way to stop any crying. Edward gave me a reassuring look. I reached my hand up to touch his, but it quickly fell back down.

I couldn't do it.


	5. Chapter 5

"So, you punched a girl." Charlie sat next to me in the principals office. He had the look in his face, the one he had whenever something shouldn't amuse him, but it still did.

"It seems Bella was…provoked." The principal shuffled papers on his desk. Behind me stood Edward. Lauren sat next to me with her mom. She tutted at the disgrace this must have caused her.

"Well then, seems like a classic case of self defense, no?"

"Yes, but we have a zero tolerance towards any violence. Both Bella and Lauren will be suspended for the rest of the week."

"I swear Lauren…" Her mother sighed. Lauren didn't move an inch.

"Alright, let's go Bella." Charlie said, nearly breaking a smile. I grabbed my bag, Edward following me out.

"I'll drive behind you." I said to him. "Let me just grab some homework from my locker." Charlie nodded.

"I'll wait for you in the lot." He looked at Edward then back at me and nodded.

"So, when did you take self defense classes?" Edward asked with a small smile. As much I didn't want too, I couldn't help but return it.

"This is so fucking stupid." I shook my head. "I can't believe I punched her in the face." I fell into a fit of giggles. Edward laughed alongside me, and kept his distance. I appreciated he finally got the message.

Edward walked me to my locker, leaning against the one beside me. "Emmett is going to have a field day hearing about this."

Emmett's name struck a chord with me. "How is he? And everyone else?"

Edward got serious. "He's fine, the same big bear goof. Him and Rosalie have somehow gotten more intolerable now they've graduated. Jasper misses Alice when she's at school. Carlisle is happy to be back working, and Esme well…she's sad."

I didn't have to ask why, I already knew

"Do you all think I'm crazy?" Why did I even care?! I didn't need their approval.

"No. Just worried." He said.

"How are you?" I asked him. Edward sighed.

"I feel like I've lost a part of myself. I can't get it back, no matter how hard I try. So everything else is just falling out of place, following along."

"Hard work takes time. And patience." With that, I shut my locker and left him.

\--

Maybe I should get into fights more often. Suspension was great! I got to stay home, and do whatever I wanted. It was Friday, and I was already dreading going back on Monday. With Charlie gone, I cleaned the house spotless, started and finished a book, and even made an extra 50 bucks house sitting the neighbors dog.

But what I loved the most is that I could just run. No time restrictions, I could wake up with the sunrise, and enjoy the morning on my own. I could come back, sleep some more, and live my life.

Sort of.

On my runs, I had now made it a point to walk once I cleared the woods and was nearing the cliff. I never got too close. The last thing I needed was another Cullen intervention.

However, this morning I was too tired to run. The sun was finally falling, and I felt energized enough. Plus, after a day of sitting around and playing with the dog, I definitely needed to clear my head.

I decided to run this time without music. My breath was calming, and I could hear wildlife around me. In my head, I imagined Edward ran with me.

I wish I was normal. Perhaps then, I'd consider giving him a second chance. But I couldn't, not with Zachary around.

I knew Edward would rip Zachary apart if he knew. But I didn't want him to give up his humanity like that.

Suddenly, I smelled smoke. Panic rose within me. A fire? I tried not to slow down, but the smell got stronger. I couldn't figure out in which direction it came from, and which way to avoid it.

A forest fire? In the wettest place on the planet? How?

Laughter broke the silence. I ran toward the noise, and in a few meters saw some people surrounded by a bonfire, drinking. I rolled my eyes. What fucking idiots, they could burn this whole place down!

I knew some of the kids from school, but not well enough to place any names. I could run back home and call the cops. Charlie would have a fun time busting these kids.

"What are you doing here?" His voice sent a knife down my spine. I turned, Zachary stumbling toward me. He had a beer in one hand, his pants unzipped.

"I was running, I'll leave now." I quickly turned but he grabbed my arm and spun me around, throwing me against the tree.

"You're not going anywhere." He took a swig from his beer, throwing it on the ground before pressing his body against mine. I stood in shock, my throat closing.

"Get of me." It was barely audible. He laughed, his warm breath feeling like grime.

"Why did you do that with Lauren, huh? Is it because you wanted me?" His hands rummaged around our waists, trying to pull mine down. I tried to scratch his hands away, put he pressed against me harder, his hand finding my mouth before I could scream.

I closed my eyes, preparing for the worst before I felt a release.

A loud thud beside me, cold hands grabbed me and ran.

Fast.

Edward's sweet smell brought me to tears as grabbed him tightly around the neck. In a few moments, he stopped.

"Bella." His voice was strained, angry. I opened my eyes, his magnificent house before me. He dropped me on my feet. "I have to go back."

"No, please don't."

"Bella!" He yelled.

"I said no!" I yelled. "No, no no!" I wasn't yelling at him anymore. He kicked the ground, leaving a deep whole and screamed. His were a lot louder than me.

"I'm going to fucking kill him! Bella, please." His yelling quickly turned into a soft voice, curse words falling from his lips like venom. He went to grab my face, but I turned.

"Please don't touch me." I whispered, turning away. My face hot with tears. If there was one moment I was truly ready to keep running off the cliff, it would be this one.

"Please tell me what happened. I need to make him suffer, I need to know, I need-"

"Are you fucking kidding me?! Edward, oh my God not everything is about you! You don't need shit!" I ran toward him and punched him in the chest.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry I just don't know what to do-"

"Maybe you shouldn't have fucking left!" With every word I banged on his chest. "Then I would have never gone to that stupid party," I could barely speak through my sobs, it felt like I was going crazy. "I would have never met him, he would have ever laid a fucking hand on me! Never kicked me, never…" I screamed. "This is all your fault! Why did you leave?"

Edward's body was shaking, but his face was stone cold. "I'm sorry, my love." I said to him. "I'm sorry, it's not your fault. I'm just messed up, it's not you…" I sobbed, my hand reached his face.

"Yes it is." His eyes met mine, full of pain.

"No, no, no. Never. God, I'm so fucking awful sometimes I just want to-"

"Stop. Don't say it. Please, Bella I swear…" His eyes closed, face pressed against my hand. "I promise I will try and make this right."

A light drizzle started to fall, the sun nearly set. My body felt tired, and I just wanted to lie down. I took off my shoes, my feet thanking me for the wet, soft dirt beneath them. I crouched down and laid in the grass, letting the water get heavier on my body. Edward lay beside me, his hand barely touching mine.

It was more than enough.


	6. Chapter 6

We sat silently in my room, my fingers brushing over the scar on my thigh from the one of the first few times Zachary was violent towards me. Edward was close enough as we sat on my bed, but still no part of us touched. 

The low hum of the dryer in the pantry beneath my room served as background noise in this silent morning. Charlie had an early start to his day, and we were alone in the house.

“You can talk to me. I know it’ll take years, possibly our whole lifetime to make things right, but I will spend every day for the rest of our lives making amends.”

It was hard to explain. My father was the chief of police, why couldn’t I say anything? I knew it was mostly fear, the repercussions. I don’t know what Zachary was capable of. He was also so charming. If Lauren was dating him now and he wasn’t being as terrible to her as he was to me, how would anyone believe me?

I was also embarrassed. I felt dirty, and used. How could I have let any of this happen?

“I need a drink.” I said out loud, mostly to myself. I got up and went to the kitchen, sorting through Charlie’s liquor shelf until I found my drink of choice. It was easy to hide a bottle of whiskey in the back, Charlie never really drank anything but beer. Zachary of course had friends at a liquor store at a nearby town and I had taken an affinity for any alcohol I could get my hands on right after Edward left and I was dating Zachary. It helped numb the pain, but I knew I was going down a dark path, and took up running to try and stop.

But one drink couldn’t hurt, right?

“Bella…” Edward’s hand lightly touched my arm, and I stepped away. I poured myself a hefty shot, and downed it one go. My body shivered, my tolerance having gone down but I welcomed the comforting warmth immediately. It hit my chest, burning down to my empty stomach. I poured another, and took a sip.

“Why did you leave me? Did you truly think you were doing the right thing?” I looked up at him, his face dropping. 

“Yes, I did. I was scared, and I felt like the biggest danger to you. But I was wrong. I can’t be away from you, I have this unshaking urge to be near you, love you, protect you. And I’m so sorry I wasn’t here to do that.” 

I had to let it go. I couldn’t blame Edward for my doings. Yes, he left me, but I was the one who chose to be with Zachary, and let him hurt me. I took another large gulp of my whiskey, and held my breath. I couldn’t cry, because if I started, I didn’t know if I could stop.

“Okay.” I let go, slowly. “It’s not your fault, it’s mine. I should have never let this happen. I’m washed up for you, why do you still want me?”

Edward tensed up, his hand breaking a part of the kitchen counter. He dropped his head, clenching his hands by his side.

“I’m sorry, I’ll pay for that.”

“You haven’t answered my question.” We stood in silence again, Edward trying to compose himself.

“It’s very hard for me, right now Bella. I want nothing more on Earth right now than to go to Zachary and rip his flesh off his body while he’s still alive. What he tried to do to you this morning, what else I can’t even imagine has happened…But none of it is your fault. I will always love you, and none of this is your fault, you have to understand that.”

My body was shaking, and I took another drink, emptying my glass. I turned to pour myself more whiskey, and Edward stopped me. His arms embraced me, and at first I froze until his smell reminded me this wasn’t Zachary, and I was safe. I turned and let him fully cover my body with his. I didn’t realize how frail I was until this moment.

“I feel so terrible Edward, I have to apologize to Esme and Alice and everyone. I’ve been so horrible.” I sobbed into his shirt. I was disgusting, my tears staining his shirt.

“You don’t have to apologize, but I know they would love to see you. Everyone is worried about you, my sweet beautiful Bella.” 

I don’t know how long we held each other in the kitchen. At first it felt uncomfortable, but I knew Edward wouldn’t hurt me. How long would it be until I felt comfortable with the embrace of him? Would I be scarred forever, like the physical scars I had from Zachary? 

“How about you call Charlie, explain to him you’re coming over for dinner so we can talk, he won’t be too pushy with questions. It’ll give you a chance to see everyone.” Edwards breath was warm against my neck. I pulled him in a little closer, holding him tightly.

“I need some time to make myself presentable. Is that okay?” He nodded, kissing me lightly on the cheek. I took his hand and led him upstairs, not wanting to be alone for a minute. He sat on the perch by the window staring out to give me some privacy. Grabbing my phone to call Charlie, I could feel my heart stopping, about to jump out of my throat. 

_ 1 Message - Zachary  _

My mouth was dry, a cold feeling seeping from my chest across my arms and legs. I shake started within me, my legs feeling weak. I needed to walk awake. 

“I’m gonna go downstairs and call Charlie actually, grab a quick snack before I get in the shower. Silly me, we were just there. Wait for me here?” I said, slipping my phone into my pocket. He nodded, smiling lightly.

“I won’t go anywhere, I promise” 

I could barely force out a brief smile before heading downstairs at lightning speed. I looked down at my phone, the notification making me nauseous. I unlocked my phone, a wall of text greeting me.

_ If you think because your shitty ex boyfriend is back in town anything changed, you’re wrong. You were nothing without me, and you’re still nothing without me. I’ll be the only one who will ever love you, and you’re fucking stupid to not understand that. Anything that happened between us, you made me feel such strong feelings! Please come back to me baby, I miss you. Let me come over. _

I placed my phone gently on the table, feeling faint. Was he really coming over? He was right of course, and I knew it. I was truly nothing when he met me, and after, I was again nothing. I caught my reflection in the window, the light behind me illuminating my terrible haircut, sharp jawline making me look manly. I was thin, scary. I made myself this way, no matter how nice Edward was trying to be, I knew he was lying to me. Nothing about me was desirable, lovable, but Zachary was able to even look my way like this.

I reached into the small cabinet in the kitchen, and around the back I pulled out my old prescription for Xanax I got from my doctor when I first started having nightmares about Edward. I poured myself a big shot of whiskey, popped the xanax and downed it. 

Not enough to kill me, I didn’t want to die. But just enough to take a mental break from this. 

Car lights illuminated the dimly lit kitchen and I froze. They quickly passed, just a random car passing by. Was I going to be paralyzed in fear forever? With a mix of emotions I didn’t understand?

I grabbed my phone and quickly sent a text to Charlie telling him I was going over to see Edward. If he had any questions, we could talk later. Going up the stairs, I started feeling a little lightheaded, the first two shots I took already starting to hit my undernourished body. I knew it wasn’t enough, I needed the extra push, and I needed the Xanax.

Edward was in the exact same position I left him in, and I took a moment of admire his features. How could a man so beautiful, exquisite, other worldly still want me? Like this?

I put a little bit of product into my hair to make it look somewhat presentable. It wasn’t the worst haircut in the world if I tried to work with it, but it was far from good. A pair of tights, a dress and a sweater over it was enough to hide my body from the Cullens, perfectly built as I was wasting away. 

“You okay?” He asked, stepping into view behind me in the mirror. I realized I had been staring at myself blankly for longer than was normal, feeling finally relieved from some tension I had been holding for a while. Even if it did take a pill and some whiskey to relax, I welcomed any kind of peace. 

I smiled and nodded, grabbing my bag and his hand. The knots that I thought held permanent residence in my body slowly started to untie, a relaxation washing over me.

We were silent in the car, the trees and sunlights swirling past me like twinkly lights. I felt a wash of emotion come over me, a sadness I couldn’t overcome.

We pulled up to the Cullen house, as beautiful as I remembered it. The morning sunlight shone through the trees, glaring off some of the windows. My vision was blurry, but I couldn’t feel anything.

“Bella? What’s wrong, why are you crying?” Edward put his hand gently on mine. I opened the car door, and fell to the ground, my knees hitting the gravel beneath me.

Edward was quickly by my side, his hands on my shoulders. “Bella, you’re not breathing right. Why are you hyperventilating? Carlisle!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started writing this fic a while ago, and just got back into it. Let me know what you think! Also, what's the deal with Wattpad? Should I be posting stuff on there as well? Love to know your thoughts! The next chapter will be in Edward POV, a continuation of this scene.


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